Letting Go of Dreams ~~~

The continued story of my injury. You can read the first part here: Welcome to the Unknown :)

I was given the green flag to dance on my foot. It was only three weeks until the recital and ballet but I was back! I had been paying close attention and learning the dances while I watched from the side. I jumped back in, going a little slow at first, but both I and my teachers needed to know what I was capable of. Inside I knew I would do anything, pain or not, I was going to prove myself. It was time to step up to the plate. I would do it all, in it's fullness. The only problem was pointe.

I had injured myself so quickly dancing on pointe. My parents and I were concerned about it happening again the week before or during tech week and then a of couple days before the performance I would have to be pulled out. I knew what I wanted to do, but I had to think about more than just myself in this decision and I knew the wise thing to do. There was no question. I made a choice. In fact I did not have much of a choice really. It was time to put up my pointe shoes, but not only for this performance. I felt, along with my parents, that unless the Lord strongly changed otherwise, I was feeling His lead in choosing to hang up my pointe shoes...for good.

It was not worth it. The pain and injuries it was causing me, the likelihood that it would happen again was so high, I did not want to risk another year. I have already had to sacrifice two. Dancing on pointe was not a good enough reason to sacrifice another year.
This decision was made on Thursday, the day I was released to dance on it all I wanted to and to work through the pain. Monday came, and my little rowboat would be rocked. It was parents observation week. My mom was out of town, but my dad was making it to every class my sister and I had that he could. At the end of Monday night we met with my wonderful ballet teacher and one of the magnificent owners of the studio to talk about me. Oh my favorite topic.... not really. Haha anyway, they told us that the staff had come to the hard decision that they were taking me off of pointe for the ballet performance. It was hard to hear someone say that out loud but it was alright. We had already basically come to that conclusion at home. They had taken me off of pointe and felt like it was not going to be appropriate to dance the part flat. One of my dear friends was going to perform my part. My world seemed to fall. I would not be doing my part at all. This was a decision they had made for what they thought was best. They explained that they wanted me to be able to rest and heal it well on this side and then during my senior year I would be able to hit it strong once more. But there was just one problem, I was not planning on doing pointe next year. There would not be a next year. I would still be dancing, but not to the same extent. Dance would be different, I was not going to pursue it like I had been.
Those precious ballerina dreams every little girl has, mine came crashing down around me. I felt as though an injustice had been done to me. This was my dream. My dream. And I could see it. I could see the vision in front of me and I could not reach it. The Lord had built a stone wall in my path. I could not go through it, could not go over it, under it, or around it. This was the death. The death of a beautiful dream. And I could not let go.

Letting go is hard. Especially when it's something so dear, so heartfelt. I wanted to know why, I wanted reassurance, but really what I wanted was for Him to let me fulfill this vision anyhow. My dad spent many nights that week talking to me, holding my hand, and letting me cry, while teaching me at the same time. He has had to walk through this situation before. He has watched his beautiful dreams die. And realizing that he had walked through the same thing opened my eyes. I was not alone, not the only one. As much as the raw pain hurt in this moment. It would be okay. I would make it though. It made me think a good deal. I am not the first nor will I be the last, in fact I'm sure everyone will go through the pain of letting go of cherished ambitions in their life. Especially one you have such a vision for, one you can see right in front of you, but are not able to grasp.
I think of David. David who loved the Lord so greatly, who desired so strongly to build the Lord's house, His temple. Yet that was not given to him. It would be built. He would never see it in his day, but it would be built, the Lord's way and in His perfect timing. Was David's desire wrong? No, not at all, but the Lord's desire was not David's. His was different, His was better. He had something else in store for David's life.
This was my dream. Though my heart was right and I used this gift for His glory, this was not His dream. He had a different one... a better one.

I remember sitting on the bed with my best friend in November and she asked me, "Rebekah, what if God wants you to stop dancing? What if He's telling you no?" I laughed at the absurdity of that question. Is she serious? She had to be, that was not an option. "I can't I told her. It's all I've known. It's the expression of my heart, my soul. It's my worship. I couldn't. I would be lost if I did." As ridiculous as the conversation sounded, the truth is that it stayed growing in my heart from November until the day I thought I was being robbed. What if? And now I see. God planted a seed in my naive heart months ago, and He grew it to help me when the time would come that He would pull my hands open. Open to let go.

Unless the Lord builds the house, the laborers labor in vain. Psalm 127:1

The Lord is still working, but I can look back already and see His mighty, loving, abundant grace He has so faithfully lavished upon me. He opened my heart to accepting the death of a wonderful dream, and He also gave new life. A new dream. An aspiration bigger than dance. I still hope to be doing dancing, outside of pointe, where He allows, but this time I walk with my hand open. I find it a whole lot less painful to carry something in an open hand, then have it pried out of a tightly enclosed one. I was not robbed. It was not mine to begin with. And you know what? One day in my Heavenly Daddy's beautiful, eternal, majestic, splendor I will dance. I will dance anew. In His courts for Him forever.

El Elyon, my God Most High, creator and possessor of heaven and earth. Every step I take is ordered by the Lord. Everything in my life - everything in this universe - is under His control. There are no accidents, no happenstance, no luck or fate. So I go on, asking the Lord to give me His dreams and send me forth where He desires. Asking Him to give me the desires of His heart. What He gives I will say, "Yes, thank You Lord," and what He withholds my answer shall remain the same. May His praise ever be found upon my lips. No matter the outcome, no matter the path or circumstance, even so He is good.

"I have learned to kiss the waves that slam me into the Rock of Ages."

Charles Spurgeon