*Hope* ~ Chronic Illness

And He said to me, "My grace us sufficient for you, for My [strength] is made //perfect// in weakness.

~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, *hope*. Now hope does not disappoint because the love of GOD has been poured out into our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

~Romans 5:4-5

I have written this post a thousand and one times, yet I have never found my words adequate. What I would like to share with you is my journey this past year. My hope is to offer all praise and glory to God, and offer encouragement to others who are struggling as well.

As fall has now found it's way to the world around me, I have been filled with both excitement and awe. Autumn is my favorite season. Yet as the date of October, 10th looms closer and closer, my feelings are beginning to become mixed. Will this date be different from the last time? Will it suddenly bring healing as quickly as it brought pain? Or will this day be just as the day before? I suppose now would be a good time to tell you my story.
The Lord started writing a new chapter in my life last year on October 10th, 2014. It has been a very long, endless, chapter, however if He is writing it than no matter the length I have faith in the ending. It was Friday during fall break when my sister and I were busy cleaning the house in preparation for out of town company. Everyone was excited. This was the day my brother was premiering as the star in a near by production. Our family was going to be there to bring him all the support we could. I was in my room as the clock rolled around to noon, and I suddenly found myself feeling unwell. I didn't feel sick, my head just started hurting, quite a bit. My energy level quickly fell as the pain set in. I went to the kitchen to make myself a cup of peppermint tea, hoping that would help. As the cup emptied I found my head untouched. I sat for a few minutes more and then I went back to cleaning. Later that night as the show came to an end I mentioned to Mom how I had been having, what I thought was, a migraine since noon. The next morning I would wake up with it there, the next day would be the same, and the next. Little did I know then this migraine would stay for every second, of every day, for at least the following year. Today as I near the mark of 12 months my heart is grieved at the pain, but thankful, hopeful, and trusting in the future.

Before October of 2014, I only ever remember having one run in with a headache, that being the previous spring. It was miserable, but it only lasted a week, and was quickly gone with allergy medicine. When what we thought was another headache, appeared again we quickly tried allergy medicine, but to no avail. This would spur us into endless other attempts to find relief. We went to a doctor, and another, before being officially diagnosed with a migraine, later a "chronic", "daily" one. My year has held endless attempts to fix what we don't know has gone wrong. I have been on over 50 medications, given blood for the first, second, third, fourth, and fifth time. Each holding a story of it's own. Just for a laugh I'll tell you the first time I gave blood I hyperventilated and was crying so bad I scared every patient in the room giving blood, and they had to close the door to the waiting room trying to keep me from scaring other people. As my Dad, who sat out there, watched people quickly and swiftly get up and leave. I was a little freaked out... The third time was a miracle. I passed out. While in "dreamland" my Mom watched me turn white as a sheet, start choking because I couldn't breath, and watched my blood pressure drop to 60 over 40. Which means I was in the danger zone and freaked everyone around me out again! God is good, HE is so good, and He is so faithful. Now that I am sure I have scared the wits out of anyone who has never given blood, I promise it is survivable and not as scary as I have made it out to be. Just drink water and maybe have something on your stomach. :D Outside of the medications and blood, I have been at the hands of over 20 doctors, a national doctor's conference, tried nearly every herbal and home remedy out there, seen chiropractors, had multiple tests done, including a MRI, MRA, and MRV, (I honestly don't know what those letters stand for...) been in the hospital, been injected with more things than I could count, and yet we still continue to try new things all the time. We are still looking and finding things to be done, ideas to try, and we are still fervently, fervently, praying. I could not describe to you how thankful I am that there still some things to be done, to be tried. Even though many doctor's have turned me away drawing a blank slate, I have some amazing ones now who are still trying. {Hope} That is what I am thankful for.

[Life is not about waiting for the rain to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain.]

I have had to miss many things this year. I have missed many events, many times with family and friends, holiday traditions, dances, and productions. Grieving my heart the most, I have had to miss many times of worshiping God alongside others. I have had my passion for dancing for God's glory fall through the cracks at my feet. If I could describe what it is like to have a love for something, for a gift the Lord has blessed me with, and then be unable to do it, I would try. But no matter how little I am able to give in that area, I will give everything I can. Everything I have, everything I will be, is the Lord's. If I am disabled in the arms of my Savior, my King, my Father, there is no place I would rather be. His will is what I follow, not my own. If He is writing this story, my fears vanish before the pen. He is my hope, my strength, my help in ever present times of trouble.

I could never say thank you enough for every person who has given me verses, cards, hugs, smiles, and most especially your prayers. You have made such an impact in my life and you have given me tremendous strength. I also want to thank my family, especially Mama, Daddy, my oldest brother, and my grandmother. I would never be able to tell you how much what you say and do means to me. My mother has been beside me at every single appointment, every minute in the hospital, every injection, and every medication. She has prayed scripture over me, read God's word to me, held my hand, sacrificed hours upon hours, and loved me at every moment. Every single person in my family has made huge, huge, sacrifices on my behalf and they have faithfully been there every step of the way. They have been the ones to hold my arms up when I my strength falters. I am so thankful for everyone who has ministered to me and given their time and prayers on my behalf.      

My goal everyday, every minute, of this illness is to give the glory to God. My desire is that when people look at my life, they will see Him. When others look at my heart, they see His. I want my heart to look like His heart. May my words never fail to give Him all of the glory and honor. My God is so good. - You are a good, good Father. Your love never fails. - I also want to share my story to encourage those who find themselves, in a similar situation, or just in need of the reminder that God is with you. He will carry you through this by faith. He does love you. He will give you strength. No matter how hard it gets, how bad it hurts, keep persevering. Keep fighting the good fight. The Lord will use you every step of the way if you allow Him. Dedicate all of you to Him. He is with you always. He is for you, not against you. He loves you, and He has a plan. Be Courageous. Trust. Hope. Have Faith.

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."

~ Corrie Ten Boom