|) Angry With God (|

I remember being asked this question for the first time, "Haven't you ever been angry with God in all of this?" It came completely unexpected, yet I knew my answer right away: "No. I have never been angry with God."

After battling through this migraine day in and day out, among other things over the past year, most questions I have been asked once, twice, three times, and probably a couple more. By now most questions are the same and most answers are as well. I could be asked the same things a thousand times, and never fails to surprise me. Each time it touches my heart when someone asks me something. When they take the time to come up to me, to listen, or offer advice, opinions, thoughts, it means the world to know they care so much. It could be the tenth time I have heard it, but my heart soars with thanksgiving every time. And you never know when something new could come along the path. ;) I never get tired of it.

I had answered the question so quickly, and afterwards I sat dumbfounded as the words began to hit me. Angry with God? It was so foreign. I know it sounds crazy, but that thought had never before crossed my mind! It was kind of odd to think about. It wasn't even in my choices! For never having thought about it I had known the answer so quickly. In everything that has happened anger has very rarely risen up, and anger with God? Never once. Brokenness? Yes. Grief? Yes. Confusion? Yes. Misunderstanding? Yes. Even joy, peace, and comfort, have all been apart of my recent life. Anger? My response was easy, no, I have never been.

As the day went on I couldn't get that question out of my mind. Anger with God…It seemed to make so much sense I suppose. Why shouldn't I be angry with God? I mean surely, in most everybody's eyes; I had reason enough to be angry? More than enough! So, why not be angry with God? I have had my life turned totally upside down, put on hold. I have been in constant pain and trials, at a time when most people my age are living life to the fullest—full of adventure, dreams, ambitions. So many things I held close have been ripped from my grasp. People say, “Don't let yourself hold you back” …But that's just it. They are. I'm physically incapable of reaching dreams I have had since a little girl. But it's not just me anymore; I could blame God. It is God who is holding me back. He has taken so much away from me. He's broken my life. I struggle with shame and disgrace. I see the looks all the time. People don't understand why I can't do things. Why I'm not stronger, better, more capable? Why can't I do it? Why can't I dance! Why is it so hard for me to keep up in school? Why can't I hang out with my friends as much as I use to? Why can't you try harder? I could say, I know. I know who is to blame, God. All of this is God. It's His doing. He's making me live in pain. He's ripping my dreams away. It's all Him. Angry with God! It all makes so much sense all of the sudden. A new question, a new answer, a new way of viewing my life. 
I could be angry with God. 

Could be....I could be. I could choose that, and it would be easy to do.

But I won't. I will not be angry with God. 

Why? When I first began to realize that this migraine was a serious thing, that it probably was not planning on leaving any time soon, I just took the information and kept on going. I was like, "Okay God, I will take what You give me." I prayed for God to take it all away. I went to doctors, but I really wasn't hugely concerned at first. It wasn't until after about the fifth month that I really started to change. It was becoming harder and harder, treatments and medications hurt more and more, and I began to be hindered over and over again. It slowly but surely began to bring me to my knees. It began to break me, and I really began to cry. I really began to cry out to the Lord. I begged Him to bring healing. I begged Him to bring relief and restoration. But I begged Him most to show me. My perspective has never been anger, because my perspective has always had reason to it. Anger comes when you feel like you're losing control, but I knew I never had control. My questioning has never been "Lord, I don't deserve this," even though many people have told me that. It's been, "Lord, You give, and Father, You take away, but everything You do, is for my good. My good, for Your glory. So I ask You to teach me, to grow me, to show me what it is You desire for me to learn." There is always something to learn. Always something to grow from. Always a purpose. 

I cling to the verses in Isaiah, that His ways and His thoughts are higher, and that is where I choose to put my focus. I have chosen to give Him every area of my life. Through a lot of this He has shown me many areas I hadn't truly given Him, and I continue to give it back to Him. I continually chose to give Him everything, including my hopes and my dreams. And as surprising as it may sound, I really do often feel joy, peace, and comfort, because I can look back and see even in the past 14 months how much God has grown me and taught me, one tiny step at a time. This journey has always been Lord's.

When I injured my foot last March I had to learn how to move and walk all over again, yet I believe God was showing me, among other things, a very important visual. God is teaching me how to walk again. It is not, "I want to do this," it is, "what can I do here?"

God has control, and I am to bloom where I am planted.